


The Protector of Love

by yidae



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt, this gonna be happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2019-01-10 02:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12289476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yidae/pseuds/yidae
Summary: Lai Guanlin, a confined soul, receives one chance to go to heaven. The only requirement is to save someone else’s life; that person is Park Jihoon. But there’s one problem; Jihoon no longer sees the value of his life on Earth. Although time has already stopped moving forward for Guanlin, he must do everything in his power to save Jihoon, whose borrowed time is rapidly depleting from the hours into mere seconds.





	1. Chapter 1

The smell of salt water and brininess assaulted the atmosphere, included in it was a hint of green and warm sun. The scent of the water was simple, but acquired an immense uniqueness that was only familiar to the seashore. Odours of fresh air, seaweed, wet sand, and grey slate were the combinations of aromas that created the perfect blend, so pure and relishing to our desires. The heart of the water created cascades of gentle waves of jewel-blue and emerald-green, calmly swishing back and forth, drenching the white sand. The sun shone rays of golden warmth and bloomed daffodils, which reflected itself into the tranquil sea. The sky, which was a curtain of silk, hemmed together with the colours of blue and green of the water, producing a horizon of nickel-silver. The seashore was hidden within seclusion, with the only sounds emitted was the gushing and gurgling of comforted water. 

 

It was a beautiful day, as the sea rested on the afternoon glow, creating several dimensions of warmth and delicacy. One would be mesmerized by the picture perfect view, but _not_ Lai Guanlin, who sat with his toes touching the hot sand, irritated. He was a boy who sat along the shore, with the breeze gently sweeping his face, as he contemplated about life and death, Heaven and Hell. Guanlin could not savour the blessings that the seaside offered, for he had lost the senses that allowed him to touch, smell, and taste. In addition, he was invisible to the average person, not that anyone managed to end up in this private location, which was uninhabited and unfrequented. The imagery of the seashore, which he saw everyday, was no longer breathtaking to him. In fact, it was the opposite; it served as a dreaded reminder of his death.

 

That’s correct. _You read that right._ Guanlin was dead. His body was dead, his heart was dead, but _somehow,_ his soul remained. He was only fifteen when he walked off the beach, turfing through the water, dunked his head in and held his breath, as he counted down the remaining seconds left of his beating heart. Since swimming was not his forte, death was the inevitable outcome that kindly bobbed a curtsey at him and held its arms wide open like a familiar friend. 

 

Unfortunately, Guanlin wasn’t aware of the proceeding steps after death; he simply thought that death was the means to an end, _but_ it wasn’t. Death was merely the beginning to his next life, as a wandering soul on the seaside, _or_ rather, a confined one. Apparently, those who commit suicide aren’t granted the secret passageway to heaven, the sacred place of singing hymns and deities so divine, the place where he _longed_ to be. They weren’t even permitted access to Hell, the insidious lair of sin and distrust, _not_ that it was a place he desired to be, but _still_. Alternatively, those who committed suicide were abandoned on Earth, to continue their time as depressed souls, or known to the common folk as ghosts.

 

The seaside, where Guanlin exhaled his last breath, served as his limbo that he was casted in, with no chance of escaping. He had viewed the same scenery of the romantic sea, touched the same golden sand, and breathed in the saltwater air for a year. Everyday, for an _entire_ year, Guanlin’s mere perspective was this blurred setting; the vision that was once _so_ beautiful that he chose it as the last place for his beating heart, but now it was simply undesirable and appalling. He couldn’t elude, for every time he breached a certain area, he knew he has gone too far when he’s tossed back. He couldn’t sleep, for death has stolen his ability to dwell in the world of innovative dreams and peaceful slumber. He simply sat with his toes touching the hot sand (which he couldn’t actually feel of course, but he imagined). He was waiting for something - or someone, in particular. 

 

“I am back.” The awaited voice spoke, so angelically. “Have you waited too long, Guanlin?”

 

Guanlin immediately jerked his head to the sound of the voice, the first interference of silence in a year. Standing behind him, dressed in a fitted black suit, was a creature of the divine, that disguised itself as human. His hair was ruffled black, his black shoes were pointed, and his face currently had an obnoxious smile plastered on. He was the Messenger, who served as a correspondence between himself and the creators of the sky, relaying significant information to Guanlin from time to time. His name, _quite_ humanlike, was Seongwoo. Seongwoo reciprocated Guanlin’s intense gaze with a joyful stare, lips curving into a grin. In his left hand, he held a briefcase, while the other hand held a pocket watch.

 

Guanlin first met Seongwoo after he had died, when the shore washed him back up to the edges of the beach. He remembered Seongwoo standing above his drenched body with his annoying smile, jotting down the location, time, and date of Guanlin’s death onto a form with a fountain pen between his fingers. 

 

“It’s been too long.” Guanlin replied, wondering if this was a figment of his imagination. Although he found Seongwoo annoying, Guanlin was quite glad to see the Messenger’s face again, as if he was a dear, old friend. “How long have I’ve been here?”

 

The Messenger clicked opened the golden pocket watch, which displayed the time and the date. “You’ve been here for five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes, _or_ exactly one whole year.”

 

“Has it really been only one year? It felt like an eternity.”

 

“ _Well_ , when you’re waiting in the same spot, forcing to look only at the horizon, everything will feel tiring in longevity. _Hopefully_ that ends here.”

 

“Hopefully?” Guanlin’s voice went airy, as his hands begun to shake. “Y-you mean they approved my request? The deities above have _finally_ accepted me?”

 

“Not quite.” Seongwoo bit down on his lip, and paused with reluctance. “Your application that you sent in a year ago has been denied. I apologize, but like I told you when I first met you, the higher-ups are extremely strict when it comes to suicide cases; they deem it as a vile act of deviance.”

 

“So are you saying that I’ll be stuck in limbo, as a ghost, for eternity?” Guanlin inquired, as his face scrunched up into sorrow. He could no longer handle the endless loop of this beach setting, the sun shining down on his face, the orchestra of the waves, or even the briny smell that he couldn’t smell but instead imagined. He wanted to leave; he wanted to enter the place where he belonged, Heaven. 

 

“Although the higher-ups have rejected your request, there is still another way for you to reach the celestial regions.” Seongwoo replied, as he opened up his briefcase. He took out a couple of documents and handed them to Guanlin. 

 

“What’s this?” Guanlin asked, as he examined the contents that were currently placed into his hand. It was another form: _Consent Form for the Position of the Protector. “_ The Protector? What’s that?”

 

“The Protector is someone who keeps the peace of nature and life, who sacrifices day and night for the beating heart of another. To put it simply, they are in charge of saving lives, the lives of people whose last seconds on Earth hasn’t come yet.”

 

“So someone who is suicidal? Like I was?”

 

“Precisely.” Seongwoo agreed, as he once more dug into his briefcase, taking out a fountain pen in which he gave to Guanlin. “This may be your only ticket to Heaven. The higher-ups decided to give you a second chance since your time on Earth was too short for their liking. In other words, they felt remorse that a boy at such a young age had to take his life. Would you like to apply for this position? I just need your permission.”

 

“Yes yes yes.” Guanlin nodded his head, as he took the pen out of Seongwoo’s hand. Before he began to sign, Seongwoo put his hand on Guanlin’s to stop him.

 

“Before you get too impulsive, it’s best for me to enlighten you about the potential risks and consequences of this position.” He stared intently at Guanlin, eyes drilling holes into the younger boy’s face. “The position of the Protector is extremely risky, being that it’s a matter of life and death.”

 

Guanlin gulped and felt his knees shake at the seriousness of the subject. He then remained silent for the Messenger to continue on.

 

“The job entails you to save someone’s life; if you fail they die and if they die, you are sent to the depths of Hell.”

 

Guanlin pondered through his thoughts, wondering if this was the right decision. _It was._ It just had to be; there was no other way. “I’m ready.”

 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” The Messenger inquired, watching Guanlin with an ominous gaze. “If you fail to succeed, you’re going to hell. But, if you can accomplish the goals on the task; you’ll go to heaven. Or you can certainly just stay in this dimension, watching the hours of time tick on, while everything on Earth moves except you. Which one would you like to pick?”

 

“I made up my mind,” Guanlin said, confidently. He hastily signed the form, knowing he made the right decision. “I’m tired of staying here, withering away, with no purpose or goal. I want to do this.”

 

“Then it’s settled. Your assigned role is to be the Protector, the peacekeeper who controls life and death.”


	2. Chapter 2

As if someone turned on the light switch in a pitch dark room, Guanlin regained his senses again; he could finally smell, taste, and touch. He could smell the briny salt water from the waves folding over each other, he could taste the wetness of the saliva as he swallowed, and he could feel the coarse particles of golden sand tickle his feet underneath. He took a few deep breaths to try to process the moment, as chills and shakes were sent through his body from the reconstructed sensations that were now profound. For the first time in a year, he wasn’t dead - he felt _alive._

 

 _“_ What’s happening?” He asked, hands grabbing onto his ivory shirt, caressing the unfamiliar texture. He rubbed the cotton between his fingers, feeling the softness of the thin material and brought it up to his face, kneading the feeling of home and warmth across his cheek. He then grabbed his charcoal, black hair, and massaged the individual strands that felt like memories, feeling the sharp strands of hair on his fingertips. A shockwave passed through his body and into his bones as he processed everything, nearly flinching at the sudden surprise. “I can feel everything that I haven’t felt before, and I can finally smell the sea. I feel _so_ alive again. Am I alive?”

 

Guanlin ran towards the water and dipped his feet in, relishing the liquid that now drenched his foot. Goosebumps aligned his body, sending the hairs on the back of his neck standing upwards, as he felt the cold temperature of the water stroke his skin, leaving mermaid-like kisses all over him, causing him to explode in euphoria. While his legs were submerged, he crouched down and cupped his hands into the water, bringing the fluid to his lips. He opened his mouth and poured the water in, savouring the unpalatable flavour of saline, and choked as a result, coughing out the liquid that fell back down into the sea. The taste was off-putting, but he didn’t care; he was _happy_ at the familiarity that greeted him; he could also taste. 

 

“No, you’re _definitely_ not alive.” Seongwoo, whom was watching the boy with eyes of amusement, simply chuckled. “Since you have signed the consent form, your senses that you acquired before death has been returned to you. Smell, taste, touch - it’s _all_ yours.”

 

“You’re telling me that I’m not alive, but I assume the normal functions of a human that was alive?” Guanlin asked, as he plunged his head into the water, feeling his hair get wet as he brought his head out. The water was so refreshing upon his skin, almost feeling like he was taking a bath, something that he forgot was once necessary in the daily life of a living being.

 

“Precisely. You’ll be granted the same characteristics and functions of a human, _just_ as if you were still alive. The only thing that you can’t do is sleep, because if you’re watching over someone, you mustn’t let your guard down. You can pretend to sleep and close your eyes, but you won’t fall asleep; you simply don’t need to. Other than that, you’ll presume your role _just_ like a human. The role of the Protector is extremely significant and having all senses to your availability is highly crucial. They will assist you in the process of saving someone’s life when you most need them.”

 

“And just how am I supposed to save someone’s life?” Guanlin asked, shuffling his feet out of the deep water and onto the sand. The water attached to his clothes, adding heavy weight that dragged his movements. The moisture on his feet attracted the grains of gold, sticking to his feet like mud. He plopped himself onto the ground and looked up at the Messenger, who was still gazing at him with glee, covering his mouth to stifle a snicker. “You haven’t even told me exactly what I’m supposed to do.”

 

“There’s no right or wrong answer to your question. You merely do everything and anything to the best of your abilities. This mission can be the easiest task you ever took on or the hardest, depending on the person you are assigned to. But like I said, this is a life or death situation, even for you.”

 

“Who am I protecting?” Guanlin inquired, as he grew anxious. He just wanted to accomplish the mission so that he could finally move on from this dreaded world. “Who is the person that I have been assigned to?”

 

Seongwoo reached into his briefcase and pulled out a sheet of paper, using two fingers. He narrowed his eyes down and skimmed the information on the sheet and read loudly. “You’ll be assigned to Park Jihoon. 18. Male. Highly suicidal.” 

 

“P-Park Jihoon?” Guanlin repeated, more to himself. The name repeated in his head, again and again, causing him to feel faint, as he started to get lightheaded. His hands quivered and he felt his heart accelerate. _It can’t be._ He shook his head vigorously as memories of his death flashed before his eyes, as he heard the name pass through Seongwoo’s lips, like he been shot in the chest. _It just can’t be._ It was the same name of the older boy that he met at school, the boy who ignored Guanlin in the halls, diverting his eyes elsewhere when he saw that Guanlin was hurt. Park Jihoon was his name, and he was one of the factors that contributed to Guanlin’s death. He prayed it wasn’t _that_ Park Jihoon, and perhaps it was someone else, someone who only shared the same name and nothing more. 

 

“Yes, his name is Park Jihoon and he has been assigned to you.” Seongwoo restated once more, unaware of Guanlin’s agitated reaction. “He has been depressed for a year now, but only recently has suicidal thoughts invaded his healthy mind, attaching itself to the core of his happiness, like a blood-thirsty leech. The leeches pray on his emotions, sucking out everything colourful, leaving him as a black and white canvas without any speck or tinge of life available; only coldness exists. He’s suicidal and he plans to act accordingly to his darkest thoughts. That’s where you come in. You’re the artist who needs to repaint his canvas, brushing rainbow streaks of warmth and dimension to his monochrome heart. It’s your job to change his mind; it’s your job to make him forget about those opinions of self-hate.”

 

“But wait,” Guanlin remembered, “Aren’t I invisible to the human eye?”

 

“Yes, that’s correct. You’ll remain invisible to everyone _except_ for Jihoon. He’ll be the only one who’ll be able to see you. This is the only way the Protectors can coexist with humans, as they work towards their goals to save lives. If they were visible to the entire world, it can be used against them. The secrets of the celestial world would be revealed not only to the human world, but additionally to the dire underworld of what we know as Hell.”

 

Guanlin nodded his head, as he absorbed the significant details that was being conveyed to him. He understood that secrecy was vital, and that his role of the Protector not only entailed guarding Park Jihoon, but also guarding the confidentiality of the deities. He assured that he provided the Messenger with his utmost attention because every attribute was highly important. “What about Jihoon though?”

 

“What do you mean?” Seongwoo asked, curiously as he anticipated Guanlin’s response. “What about him?”

 

“How’s he going to react seeing me when I’m not even alive?”

 

“He won’t know a single thing.” Seongwoo smiled, sweetly as if he saw a newborn puppy approaching him, tripping over his steps. “He’ll most likely think of you as a figment of his imagination, something surreal that isn’t quite there, but solely exists to provide him with a piece of mind. Of course, there will be times where he’ll doubt himself and doubt you thinking that you’re actually human, but once he notices that other people can’t see you, those thoughts will clear away. In layman’s terms, you are his guardian angel that provides him with solace and protection.”

 

“I’m pretty much going to be projected as a hallucination? A delusion that accompanies his thoughts?”

 

“I’m not sure how he’ll perceive you, since everyone is different. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be the realest thing for him. If you play your cards right, he’ll probably think you _are_ alive. The strategy is entirely up to you to decide upon. As long as your mission is successful, the details are irrelevant. We don’t know until we find out.” 

 

“Just when will we find out?” Guanlin grew impatient, as he clicked his teeth. He wanted to quickly get started on his mission, so that he could finally be one step closer to his goal. “When am I going to meet him?”

 

Seongwoo brought his pocket watch to eye level, examining the hands that surrounded the clock and sighed. “Hmm, that’s odd. He should be here by now.”

 

“He’s coming here? To the seaside? No one ever comes here.”

 

“He’ll be the first one then… obviously the first after you.” Seongwoo chuckled, as if he told the wittiest joke. “Usually they come on time, sometimes they come late, and some rare occasions they don’t show. _But,_ they’ll eventually come; they _always_ do. And when they arrive, that’s when the barrier that permits you to reside only in this perimeter rises. The barrier will be lifted, and you’ll finally be able to roam wherever you wish. Just a reminder though, if you aren’t living up to the expectations of your job, you’ll get a one way ticket to the underworld. So make sure you don’t stray away from your duties as the Protector. No one has ever done it before, but I always like to warn them of the precautions just incase they feel a little too confident or comfortable.” 

 

Guanlin felt himself tense up to Seongwoo’s words. He wasn’t going to screw this up, not a chance. 

 

Once more Seongwoo checked the time displayed on the stopwatch, then he put it away in the pocket of his black suit, patting it gently in place. He zipped up his briefcase and closed it, gripping it tightly with his hand. “It’s getting quite late here, and the boy still hasn’t arrived.”

 

“Are you leaving me already?” Guanlin asked, shocked, as he eyed the Messenger who looked like he was about to run off. “Park Jihoon hasn’t even arrived yet.”

 

“But I told you, Guanlin-ah,” He smiled, “He’ll come eventually, don’t fret. Just be patient. You’ve been waiting for an entire year already, what’s the harm of waiting a bit more? And besides, my job as the Messenger has already been accomplished. I told you that your application has been rejected, I proposed you a new arrangement, and I already outlined the expectations that you need to meet to accomplish your goal. My presence here is no longer required.”

 

“But… I don’t know if I could do this alone; I’m nervous and scared.”

 

“Just take it one step at a time. I believe rocket science is harder than this,” Seongwoo joked, as he bowed his head to indicate his departure. 

 

“One more thing before you leave. How do I know if I accomplished my task? How long do I until the deadline?”

 

“There is no deadline when it comes to life and death. As long as you have helped replace his thoughts of wishing for death with him begging to live, then you’ll have accomplished. I believe in you so good luck! Also if you ever need me, I’m _only_ one sky away. Just say my name and I’ll be there, maybe not on time, but eventually I’ll be there.”

 

He gave Guanlin a wave, and then walked off, body disappearing into the shadows of the sun. Guanlin was again all alone, for _now,_ at least. He wasn’t sure what to expect, wasn’t even sure what he’ll say to the boy. Just how would he be able to convince someone to not take their own life away? He couldn’t even convince  himself, so just _how_ would he even be able to convince another? Still, he had to do this; he had to face this ordeal head on like a bull with horns. It was his only chance to enter Heaven, so he had to make sure to succeed. He _just_ had to.

 

But still, Guanlin was uneasy as he watched the orange sun dip away into the horizon and was replaced by the grey moon, so iridescent _but_ annoying. The moon reflected it’s glare into the water, casting colours of grey slate which mixed in with the purest shade of blue of the water.  He couldn’t wait to go to the great above, and the only way to achieve his goal was to fulfil the mission, even if there was a possibility that the person that he was assigned to might be _that_ Park Jihoon. He scowled at his thoughts, and made a concentrated effort to work the negativity into the back of his memory. It’s not going to be _that_ Park Jihoon, it _won’t_ be. He already failed at the lottery of life, so why would he fail now? He can’t be _that_ unlucky. 

 

He sat in place with the sand under his toes, staring up into the moon, as he became aware of all the changes that have occurred. Guanlin waited for what was to happen, but nothing happened. No one appeared, so he sat and closed his eyes, as he concentrated once more on his thoughts. For the first time in a year, he felt nervous. When he took his own life within the depths of the sea, he was nothing but confident; it was something that he wished for long, as if it was second nature. He remembered closing his eyes and dreaming he could be one with the sea, smiling as he envisioned himself as something other than his weak self, someone stronger. He wasn’t nervous, because it was the only time he ever felt as if had full control of his choices; there was no one criticizing his actions or judging him for who he truly was. But, this situation was different; he was in charge of protecting someone else, saving them from the nightmares that haunted their minds.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, here's another update! :)


	3. Chapter 3

As Guanlin waited for the person to arrive, he reminisced about his first love - a memory that painted itself in his mind quite often, something he thought about to past the never-ending time on Earth. 

 

They met two years ago when Guanlin was still alive.

 

The mild rays of sunshine peeked through the school window, sending gentle pecks of saffron-yellow to Guanlin’s face, irritating him, as he was amidst studying. The ongoing chatter of nearby students, who were _supposed_ to be quiet, caused him to grumble in annoyance as he forcefully slammed his textbook shut. Stumbling upon the level of difficulty that was depicted in his “Korean 101” textbook, he decided to opt for a resource far more simpler.

 

Guanlin slowly arose from his chair to remain inconspicuous, dragged his tall lanky body towards the bookshelves, in search for another educational textbook that would better assist him in his language studies. Guanlin had read many Korean language books every since he arrived in Seoul, but self-studying was far more difficult than he originally thought. Still, he didn’t have much of a choice since he couldn’t afford a tutor. If any word could describe him best, it was _poor_ ; he didn’t have a single cent to his name,  He faintly strummed his fingers along the spines of books, scanning the various titles along the shelves of textbooks. He stopped and picked up one in particular that caught his eye - Korean For Dummies. _Perfect_ , he thought. He would read this textbook closely, until the words and phrases were ingrained in his mind; he would read it until he could speak Korean, _just_ like a Korean person would. 

 

He returned to the table he was studying at, but was surprised to find someone sitting in his seat. The unexpected person was tending to his homework, statistics perhaps, and did not notice Guanlin’s arrival. He was clean and groomed properly, with his caramel brown hair neatly styled, bangs swept to the side. He wore a black zip up hoodie over his school uniform, navy blue pants, and white vans. He furrowed his eyebrows as he concentrated on the equation that was presented to him.

 

“Um, excuse me.” Guanlin cleared his throat, as he tried to get the boy’s attention. “You’re sitting in my seat.”

 

“O-oh, I’m so sorry.” The boy jolted due to surprise as he swiftly brought his head up to make eye contact with Guanlin. He gazed at Guanlin with clear doe-eyes, while he started to gather his notes, tucking them into his binder. “I’ll be going then.”

 

He stood up and scanned the library to find an empty table, but since it was study period, all of the tables were taken up by students. He heaved a sigh as he made his way towards the exit of the library. As if Guanlin’s body had a mind of it’s own, his long legs quickly shuffled to catch up with the boy, who was currently pushing the door that led to the stairway. Guanlin put his hand on the smaller boy’s shoulder to stop him. “ _Wait,_ I don’t want to be the one who forces you to leave when you probably need to study as well. Why don’t you sit with me? The table is a little small, but I’ll pull up an extra chair for you to sit.”

 

The doe-eyed boy nodded his head and the corners of his lips curved into a smile, a smile that was so kind and angelic, a smile that _somehow_ caused Guanlin’s heart to skip a beat. “I’d like that, if you really don’t mind.

 

“By the way, my name is Guanlin.” Guanlin stated firmly.  “Lai Guanlin. What’s yours?”

 

“Jihoon. Park Jihoon.”

 

—

 

They’re sitting next to each other, side by side, at the small table beside the windows, almost too close for comfort. Guanlin’s trying his best to practice his Korean, jotting down the definitions of the words he’s not accustomed to until the repetition is embedded into his brain, _but_ he’s distracted. He can’t focus because he feels Jihoon’s warm breath creep upon his exposed neck, sending ticklish tingles deep into his bones. He attempted to pull the collar of his blazer upwards, puffing it straight like a vampire cape, but it doesn’t help. He can _still_ feel the warm breath itching his skin, lightly pricking him into oblivion. His leg twitched as a result of his nervousness, shaking upwards and downwards like the fuzzy static on a TV screen, and he shifted himself in his seat, but could still feel Jihoon’s thigh against his. 

 

He looked down at his textbook to read the passage that was provided as an example, but soon realized that he couldn’t read a single line. _If this is for dummies, what am I?_ Guanlin thought to himself, getting frustrated. Confusion clouded his mind as his eyes skimmed the passage with agitation. 

 

“Are you okay?” Jihoon whispered, as he interrupted Guanlin who was lost in the sea of his thoughts. He studied Guanlin’s face with intent eyes, and made an expression that portrayed remorse. “Is it hard to study when we’re so close like this? I can leave if it makes you uncomfortable.”

 

“No, stay.” Guanlin replied, while crimson appeared on his cheeks. He resisted the urge to slap himself because of how pathetic he sounded. He scratched the back of his head, scrunched his nose, and prayed that Jihoon didn’t notice the desperation seeping from the tone of his voice. 

 

“You seem to be struggling with your studies. Do you need help?” Jihoon asked him, eyes gazing up at Guanlin with curiosity. He reached out to grab the textbook that was open in front of Guanlin and turned it over, reading the title. Jihoon didn’t do a good job of hiding his amusement because he covered his mouth with the back of his hand and he let out an audible chuckle - it was a very nice chuckle, Guanlin thought through his embarrassment. “Korean For Dummies?”

 

“ _Shhh_. Not so loud.” Guanlin whispered, as he grabbed the textbook back, shoved into his backpack, away from the cruel world. He wasn’t embarrassed over the fact that the learning resource he had picked up was called “Korean For Dummies”, but he _was_ embarrassed because Jihoon had caught him red-handed with it. He’s not even sure why he’s feeling shameful around Jihoon; he just met the guy, but he could feel his stomach doing summersaults into unconsciousness. 

 

“I know we just met, but if you need help with Korean, I can help you.” Jihoon volunteered, giving Guanlin a kind smile. 

 

Guanlin’s eyes widened, as he interpreted the meaning behind the older boy’s words. He stuttered. “Y-you mean like a tutor?”

 

“Yes,” Jihoon laughs, “I can be your tutor. I’ll help you become proficient in Korean.”

 

“That’s nice and all, but I don’t have any money. It’s not that I don’t want you as my tutor, I don’t think I can afford you.”

 

Jihoon looked back at Guanlin with wide eyes and shook his head, an indication that Guanlin was wrong. “What if I’m free? I won’t charge you.”

 

Guanlin swallowed and remained expressionless, not quite comprehending the intent behind Jihoon’s words. 

 

“Why would anyone do anything for free?” Guanlin asked, eyes narrowed, as he stared at Jihoon in disbelief. “I can’t understand, especially when there are so many people out there who are willing to pay big bucks for a good tutor. Why would you do that for me when you don’t even know me?” 

 

“I’m offering because when I was your age, I didn’t have anyone to assist me. I had to do everything by myself, and it was a pain because I didn’t know what I was doing half of the time. You remind me of me, which is _exactly_ why I want to help you.”

 

“Is that really why?” Guanlin stated, his cheeks flushed once more, this time a hinge of strawberry red. He’s confused to why Jihoon would offer to help him, but he could really use it, so he considered the kind offer. 

 

“I’d _also_ like to get to know you because you seem pretty clueless and… quite cute.” Jihoon simply smiled and Guanlin could feel the gentle tone that omits from the boy’s mouth, reverberating into his soul. 

 

Although Jihoon’s words were in a whisper, it created a loud echo that repeated in Guanlin’s mind and caused his chest to quiver. _Quite cute, quite cute, quite cute, quite…_

 

It was admiration, he convinced himself. Purely platonic admiration.

 

—

 

But as months passed by, Guanlin also found himself falling hard for Jihoon. Maybe it wasn’t platonic admiration; _maybe_ it was love, but Guanlin can’t seem to identify precisely where or when he fell in love.

 

He had to admit, during the sessions that they got to know each other, Guanlin has been quite distracted to learn. Instead, his concentration, as well as his eyes, fixated on only one thing - Park Jihoon. Jihoon was handsome, smart, funny, kind - he was everything perfect to Guanlin.

 

They were sitting on Jihoon’s bed, side to side, with multiple textbooks laid out on the white sheets. 

 

“Bogo shipeo.” Guanlin said, each syllable slowly enunciated.

“Again.” Jihoon demanded once more, the fourth time already. “You really need to articulate the consonants clearly.”

 

“Why am I saying this phrase again?” Guanlin replied, mildly infuriated as he repeated the phrase once more. “I already know what it means and I already know how to say it.”

 

“The focus isn’t on whether or not you know the phrase, but instead, you are refining your pronunciation. You tend to speak without really moving your mouth, which causes everything to sound slurred. Why does it matter if you know the phrase yourself when people won’t be able to understand you? _Again_.”

 

Guanlin groaned as he restated the sentence for the nth time. “Bogo shipeo.”

 

“Again.”

 

“ _Bogo shipeo.”_ Guanlin stressed each syllable, opening his mouth wide so that he was clearly audible. 

 

“That’s it!” Jihoon said excitedly, beaming up at Guanlin. He smiled proudly as he stretched out his hand to tousle the younger boy’s hair. “Good job, Lin-ah. You did it! I’m so proud of you.”

 

No matter how irritated Guanlin may have felt during their lessons, the frustration automatically vanished as soon as he saw Jihoon’s smile, that _sweet_ smile. That expression of content and satisfaction that would plaster itself on Jihoon’s face whenever Guanlin got an answer correct was the reason for his diligence. He studied for hours everyday, never taking a break, _just_ so he could hear the words “good job” and relish in the toothy smile of the boy who made his heart flutter, like it was the only thing he awaited for. Guanlin wasn’t accustomed to being showered with praise, so he found himself liking it a lot whenever Jihoon applauded him, which was quite often. It _felt_ good, and for some reason it made his chest tingle in excitement.

 

The two boys continued their lesson, as tutor and student in Jihoon’s room. Jihoon provided the younger boy with many examples, and Guanlin tried his best to answer each one without failure. Nine months into their tutoring lessons and Guanlin has already immensely improved, recognizing and defining words that were once difficult with ease, all because of Jihoon. Guanlin never found studying interesting, but _somehow,_ when it was Jihoon who taught him, he found himself fascinated with the language of Korean… Or maybe, it was Jihoon who captivated him.

 

People say that time flows much more quickly when you are immersed with something that interests you. Guanlin felt the seconds, minutes, hours, days, and months go by rapidly when he was with Jihoon, as if the boy had the power to control time. With every single Korean session that they completed, Guanlin not only learned new vocabulary or phrases, _but,_ he also learned that his feelings for his tutor wasn’t simply admiration. He _also_ may had learned that he wasn’t straight. 

 

“You’re getting really good these days.” Jihoon told him, as they took a break, now focused on a television show that was playing. The soft murmurs omitted from the speakers of the TV on low volume didn’t reach Guanlin’s ears, as he was too fixated on something, or _someone_ else.

 

“Soon, you won’t even need my help anymore. I think that you’ll be fine by yourself. You’re learning at such an incredible speed and you’re retaining all the information like a sponge. One day, you’ll probably be better than me in Korean.” He laughed but Guanlin wasn’t laughing with him. He didn’t want his lessons to end. 

 

Jihoon yawned, stretching out his short arms above his head and gently rested his head on Guanlin’s shoulder, something that he had never done before. He continued to stare mindlessly at the TV, chuckling every now and then at the characters depicted in the screen. “This show is really funny, isn’t it Guanlin?”

 

Guanlin attempted to remain nonchalant, giving Jihoon a small squeak in response, as he felt his face heating up. The light touch of Jihoon’s head felt so tender, but _weird._ Although it felt good, he wasn’t quite used to the feeling. In an attempt to break free from this state that caused his heart to accelerate, he changed the subject.“The room is really hot.”

 

“Are you okay?” Jihoon turned his head to look up into Guanlin’s eyes, causing the younger to quickly retract his eyes to look at the empty wall instead. He chuckled once more and looked at the younger boy with bewilderment. “The heater isn’t even on, Lin-ah. How could it be hot?”

 

“M-maybe it’s time to go back to our lesson.”

 

“Hmm… What shall I teach you next?” Jihoon pondered, tapping his finger to his head. “How about we talk casually about any topic? It’ll be a more relaxed approach to learning, and it’ll help you get more comfortable in every day topics. Why don’t you start by asking me a question that can introduce our topic for discussion.”

 

There’s silence for a few moments until Guanlin finally answers.

 

“D-do… you have a girlfriend?” Guanlin asked slowly, his head spinning in circles, surprised at himself. His voice was an insecure whisper, and he immediately regretted the words that slipped out of his lips. He’s not sure what demon possessed him to impulsively ask the question, but what’s done was done. He had already said it. 

 

“No, I don’t.” Jihoon replied, unaware that Guanlin was now nervous. “Do you?”

 

“I don’t either.”

 

Jihoon giggled and put his hand over Guanlin’s shoulder, leaning in to rest his head on the younger boy’s shoulder once more. He smiled and let out a light laugh. “I didn’t expect you to have one anyways. You’re still a baby.”

 

“But there’s someone I like.” Guanlin replied without an ounce of hesitation. He couldn’t stop the words from breaching out of his mouth, as if he was being controlled by a puppet master. Intuition took over logic, and his heart spoke instead of his brain.

 

“Nice! Who’s is it?” Jihoon inquired, as he nudged the sides of Guanlin’s torso, tickling him. “In our next lesson, I can teach you phrases that you can use to ask that special person out.”

 

“That special person is you. I-it’s you. I like _you_.”

 

The arm that was nudging Guanlin dropped and Jihoon immediately stood up. “Are you saying that you like me? Guanlin, I’m a boy. Boys _don’t_ like boys - we like girls.”

 

“But, I _like_ boys, Jihoon. It’s the first time that I felt like this about anyone, and at first I wasn’t sure what this was, but now I’m confident that my feelings for you are genuine. I think I’m gay and I like you.”

 

It took a lot longer than Guanlin would like for Jihoon to muster up a response. Guanlin’s heart sank with every ticking second, his palms were sweaty, and he could feel his knees shake. Jihoon sighed and looked towards his direction, but avoided eye contact entirely. 

 

“Guanlin, I really don’t know what or how to respond to that. Are you just mimicking a conversation for the sake of our lesson? Boys aren’t supposed to like boys, okay? That’s what I been taught and that’s the truth in our society.”

 

“ _Hyung,”_ Guanlin pleaded.  “I’m serious.”

 

“Guanlin, I think we should end today’s lesson early. My dad will be home soon, and you know how strict he is. If he heard what you just said, he wouldn’t allow me to tutor you anymore. Do you understand how serious this is?”

 

“But, I just confessed to you. Are you really not going to say anything about it?”

 

The next words hurt Guanlin a little too much.

 

“I have nothing to say to you.”

 

Before he knew it, Jihoon had showed him the front door and Guanlin was left shocked without words. It was the first time he had ever confessed to anyone in his life, and he wasn’t sure why it hurt so much. He bit down on his lip and his heart hurt, a feeling of regret and sorrow. If only he hadn’t uttered a word, if only he had kept the feelings to himself - but it was too late; the damage was already done. 

 

He never felt so alone. 

 

—

 

A sudden gust of wind tickled his skin, forming goosebumps due to the cold. Although he was dead, he could still _feel_ the sensations that a living being experienced. Guanlin grew impatient; it had already been five days since Seongwoo had appeared before him, _but_ still, no one had come. _This is hopeless,_ Guanlin thought.

 

Soon, the clouds huddled together and rain poured over him, first caressing his head, then rolling downwards onto his face. He could feel the water beating against his skin, soaking his clothes. It was the first time he could actually feel the sensation. The sky was crying. 

 

As the cold pellets of water continued to make it’s downpour, Guanlin saw the silhouette of a person emerge from the trail that led back to the roads. Since it was nighttime, he couldn’t quite make out the appearance of the person, but he could tell that the body belonged to a boy. _It was him._

 

Guanlin stood up to get a better view of the expected guest. The person was small, _much_ smaller than Guanlin that was for sure and he hunched his shoulders as he haphazardly walked towards the seaside, dipping his feet into the water, playing with it. Guanlin remained in his position, observing the boy, who hasn’t seem to taken notice of him, oblivious of his surroundings. 

 

Guanlin grew anxious as he watched the boy. He was viewing the scene play out like a movie - he was the omniscient narrator, the all-knowing who was well aware of the awaiting predicament. Everything seemed _too_ familiar; he had already _seen_ this movie before; it was an exact replicate of when he had taken his own life, but this time, he wasn’t the one who was going to die.

 

Before Guanlin knew it, the boy fell forward and the water had engulfed him, leaving behind no trace of his body. Without leaving a second to spare, Guanlin sprinted. He quickly brought his long legs into the water, treading onto the rocks and seaweed underneath him. He dunked his head into the sea and waved his arms, hoping he could grasp any part of the boy. He hated himself. _How could he been so stupid?_ Guanlin felt as if he was already failing at his job as the Protector.

 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Guanlin cursed, letting out a weak cry as he grew worried. Tears brimmed his eyes as he searched in desperation. “This isn’t good. Where is he?” 

 

He turned around to inspect another area of the sea, and then he gasped. _There he was._ Body floating in the water, face down, was the person he was searching for. Guanlin quickly flipped the boy so that his face was exposed to the air instead of the suffocating water, and then he placed his arms underneath to scoop the boy’s small body up.

 

As Guanlin carried the unconscious boy out of the water, the rain stopped abruptly as it came, and the moonlight reflected it’s iridescent radiance on the boy’s face, revealing his identity. _It was him._ It was _that_ Park Jihoon, his first love. A sharp pang hit Guanlin’s chest and his stomach churned, as nostalgia attacked his mind, sending suppressed memories that he had tried so hard to hide away. Once again, the universe wasn’t on his side. Even in death was he unlucky. He couldn’t believe it - couldn’t apprehend the destiny that was presented to him like a bullet in his heart. Guanlin had died to escape the harsh realities of his life, only to be faced with the cause of death.

 

Gently, he placed Jihoon’s wet body onto the sand, and checked the boy’s mouth and nose for exhales of air using his fingers - Jihoon wasn’t breathing. Guanlin put his unsteady hands onto the boy’s lower chest region and pumped hard, performing chest compressions. After thirty compressions, Jihoon was still unconscious and he grew even more distraught. _Please. Please. Please live. It’s not your time to die. Please wake up. Please be okay, so that I can finally be okay._

 

The chest compressions weren’t working, so he reacted on reflex instead. Guanlin lowered his head and opened Jihoon’s mouth with his left hand. He pinched the boy’s nose firmly with his right hand, and then slowly brought his lips over Jihoon’s. When Guanlin was alive, he imagined over a thousand different scenarios of how their first kiss would be, but this wasn’t one of them. As he breathed air into Jihoon’s cold mouth, he felt the boy twitch as a response. _He’s alive._

 

While he watched the boy regain consciousness, Guanlin grew scared with anxiety. Seeing Jihoon after so long made him feel weak, made him feel insecure. He was nervous because he didn’t want Jihoon to judge him; he didn’t want to be perceived as someone who took their life away because they weren’t strong enough. He hated the boy who was lying down beneath him, he hated him _so so_ much for what he had done. He had already suffered so much, why must he suffer again? 

 

Jihoon finally opened his eyes and coughed out water, while holding onto his chest. He rubbed his wet eyes and gasped for air, looking at the person above him as if he just saw a mythical creature. 

 

“G-Guanlin-ah?” He said in disbelief, eyes wide open, as he started to cry. “Am I finally dead?”

 

“No, you’re not.” Guanlin replied sadly. “But I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for taking so long to update! life kinda took over ><. i hope you guys enjoyed reading this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with my third Panwink fic!  
> I really hope you enjoyed reading! Like always, if you liked it, please comments + kudos + subscribe. They are my only source of feedback so they really help tell me how I am as a writer and it also motivates me to write quicker :).
> 
> Again if you like to hit me up to talk about panwink, be friends, or get updates or w/e, my twitter is @pinkguaniin


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